Makes me wonder...

Yesterday I felt old - sitting around the table with friends who were born when I was already in high school. I could have been their babysitter. They could have been one of those wild 3-year-olds I taught in Sunday School when I was a college student. They mentioned someone at school and said "He's really old...he's like, 25." Ouch! Today I felt even older. Partly because I only got about 3 1/2 hours of sleep, and mostly because today was my birthday. Felt like I was moving through life at slow-motion this morning, at least until my little girl surprised me with one of the best birthday notes I've ever received. It read, "Dear Mom, I can't believe that you are turning 38! You are growing up so fast! I love you!"

Echoing exactly what she hears from me, from her dad, from grandparents and friends...because she, and her twin brother, really are growing up quickly. A friend once told me when my children were little, "The days seem to last forever, but the years will go by in a heartbeat." It's true - of raising kids, and of life in general. I turned 38 today...and asked God into my life when I was 5 years old. What do I have to show Him for the last 23 years of living? Not nearly enough, I know...all I can do is keep praying for His patience and guidance, that I would continue to grow and to change and to become more like Him, more of who He wants me to be.

I think of my life in terms of how it compares to my mom's life. At 37, she was diagnosed with late-stage colon cancer. At 38, the age I am now, she was still fighting cancer and going through a separation from her husband, trying to raise two kids. At 39, God took her home. She went through some terrible "surprises" during these years - but God was faithful, and He rescued her from her suffering. I didn't see it quite like that for many years...all I knew was that she was gone, that I had prayed for God to save her, and He didn't...but I couldn't be angry with Him. He was all I had to hold on to. I am so thankful to God for His continued surprises in my life - sometimes good, sometimes not so good, sometimes just the surprise of letting me look at things differently than before.

Emily's birthday letter makes me wonder...if an 8-year-old thinks I'm "growing up so fast," I guess that means God isn't finished with me yet. I've got more "growing" to do, and I know God will keep me safe in His hands on the journey, wherever it may lead. Grateful to the good friends who celebrated "birthday" with Steve & I tonight...lots of laughter, a few questionable stories, good food, great coffee, and two very sweet kids to come home to at the end of the night. As Robert Browning once said, "God's in His Heaven, all's right with the world."

Above & Beyond

No idea what day of the "Surprise Me God" experiment I'm really on...day 21? 28? Doesn't really matter, just enjoying this time of seeing how God continues to surprise me throughout the course of my day (or night). Today was a busy day, and we were having company for dinner. They were coming at 6:30. At 6:30, I thought, "God, please surprise me by having these guys be about 10 minutes late -- there's no way I'll be ready if they get here right now." All kinds of little last-minute "busy-ness" going on at our house, prepping for dinner, getting kids out the door to basketball practice, dog eating her supper (and by eating, I mean throwing her food all over the floor), you name it.

Can't say I was too surprised when the doorbell did ring, 10 minutes later (thanks, God, for the extra time!) but I was very surprised to see our company walk in the door with a bouquet of flowers. These are four of the most awesome, fabulous young men I've ever known...and not just because they brought me roses. Steve & I truly enjoy their company, are glad to be able to give them a home-cooked meal, and always have a great time when these college guys are around. I'm thankful that they're willing to put up with "dinosaurs" like us - their stories are hysterically funny, their hearts belong to the Lord and they brighten my day up whenever they're around. God surprised me with His timing, His children, His gift of laughter and fellowship.

At the end of the day, He surprised me with alternating joy and frustration as I stayed up way too late, trying to finish a project on the computer. YES! It looks great, should be exactly what they asked for. NO! Not working right. YES! Should work this time. NO! Not working at all. It's now 2:00 in the morning. Guess hanging out with college students made me think I could handle late nights again. However, knowing that the alarm is going off in 3 1/2 hours is not going to be the kind of "surprise" I look forward to. Goodnight, and thanks, guys, for a great evening.

Great quote

"We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out." - Ray Bradbury

Ran across this tonight and it just reminded me of how God wants to fill our cups to overflowing, if we'll just let Him pour out the blessings...and then let those blessings spill out onto others. Thanks to my pastors, teachers, worship leaders and friends, "tipping yourselves over" again and again.

A day of rest...

Supposedly, that's what Sundays are designed to be. A day to remind us that God Himself rested after accomplishing what He set out to do when He created the world...but it seems to be one of the busiest days of my week, and I had a pretty easy day compared with a lot of others. One friend was on the go, at church, from 7 a.m. this morning till late tonight - and I think several others were working right alongside him for most of that. I thank God for the blessings God brings to our church, and to me, through the hands and hearts of these awesome servants. JD, JW...I hope you get some rest tonight.

On to "Surprises" -- God surprised me this morning in several ways. "Jake's dad" (aka Joe) asked me to get up in front of everybody at the gathering this morning and talk about the journey God's taken me on over the last four years, in moving here to Abilene and beginning to understand that it was all part of His plan. I hate, hate, hate getting up in front of people - I'm a background kind of girl, always have been. Microphones scare me. Seriously. I have a bad history with microphones. Sophomore year in high school, first youth choir performance at my new church. Sunday night service. Walking into the choir loft, I trip over a cord and fall face-first, which leads me to say something I truly shouldn't have said anywhere, especially not in church, most especially not as I'm falling past a microphone. Twenty years later, I'm still afraid I'll trip and fall onstage - hopefully, I'm older and wiser and wouldn't repeat what I said back then, but still...the fear was there. HOWEVER...God surprised me with encouragement and great advice this morning from several people before the service started -- thanks, Jerris, Lisa, Tim, John, and Joe, who got me into this in the first place. God also surprised me by letting me get back to my seat after it was over, in one piece, with most of my dignity intact. I did NOT trip over a cord, I didn't talk too fast, I didn't die onstage simply from being scared -- overall, I think it was okay. Joe's lesson today was great. He's right...sometimes God teaches us through the "rain" in our lives, whether He shelters us from it or simply walks through the storm with us. I think He brought me through the "rain" of fear this morning -- with a few good friends coming alongside to say it would be OK, they'd been through the same rain a thousand times and it wasn't nearly as bad as it looks.

God, thank You for your surprises today.

Let them fall...

Tears, that is. Let them fall where they may.

Sometimes you just have to cry...yesterday it was in the first two minutes of a funeral service for a dearly beloved servant of God. We stood, we started to sing a great old hymn..."I heard an old, old story, how a Savior came, from glory..." - and I felt as though I were standing in the midst of heaven. The church was completely filled with friends and family who had come to say goodbye to Reggie - and the air was filled with their voices, lifted up and huge and loud and strong and that did it...the tears just came from out of nowhere. Throughout the service I was reminded of Reggie's character, his spirit, and his love for God and for God's people - he will be greatly missed, and always remembered.

I'd like to say that I don't cry easily, but anyone who's known me at ALL would tell you that's a lie, so I won't say it. I cry at funerals, at weddings, at sappy commercials. My husband, who does NOT cry easily, makes fun of me because I can come in and catch the last 10 minutes of a movie and be in tears before it's over. He says "You don't even know what's going on! You don't know these characters -- why in the world would you cry over them?" Because that's who I am. God's given me a transparent heart, I guess. Not such a good thing to have at times -- can't easily hide when I'm hurt, inside or out. But maybe that's not such a bad thing, either -- makes you more open & honest, I guess. Hard to say "Oh, I'm fine" when tears are rolling down your cheeks...well, you can still say it, I guess, but nobody will believe you.

NO IDEA where I'm going with this...had started the post yesterday right after the service but haven't managed to get back to the computer till now, apparently my train of thought got tired of waiting and left the station without me. (Surprise...)

I do NOT have the power...

Ever think you have the ability to change things, to be in control, then realize you are so NOT in control, it's funny? Watching my little boy on the basketball court about an hour ago, as he wandered somewhat aimlessly with his hands over his ears, waiting for the very loud buzzer to go off, instead of guarding his opponent -- I could yell "J, guard your man!" all I wanted to, but it made no difference. He was in his own world for the moment. I'm the one who carried him under my heart for 8 months, gave birth to him and subsequently carried him around on my hip for the next 2 years, am responsible for pretty much everything in his life, yet I had no control whatsoever of how he acted at that particular moment. Makes me wonder if that's how God the Father feels about ME sometimes...He may be looking at me like "I created you, I have blessed you beyond measure, I take care of you every minute of every day of your life...but I have no control over what you're doing at this moment...oh please, snap out of it and pay attention to what I'm giving you to do right now!"

And yes, my son did snap out of it and get back to guarding his man on the court, and the game ended well. He'll never be the world's greatest basketball player, but that's not his goal, either. I hope that God's little "surprise" moment of clarity for me in the midst of a 2nd-grader's basketball game will lead me to pay more attention to what's going on around me, and to what God has for me to do at a particular moment in time. And to realize that He's the one who's supposed to be in control of my life, and my kids' lives. Another surprise -- my son ended up receiving the "Most Christlike" star at the end of the game...am thinking he may have reminded the coaches of Jesus in his most "meek and mild" moments, but that's OK. We've taught the kids that becoming more like Christ is something we all work toward and pray for, all our lives -- so he was really proud to pin that star on his shirt this afternoon. Thankful to God for all his surprises today...

Introduction

Ask me what I do...I'll tell you I'm a mom. And a wife. However, in my former life (before twins) I was a technical editor. Majored in journalism, have a beautifully framed diploma certifying that I earned a B.S. in Communications, currently gathering dust in the attic. Or under my bed. (Not sure exactly where it ended up - haven't had an office since 1997.) All that to say, I'm a writer, a reader, a lover of words. You'd think I would have jumped right on the blogging thing, especially after the "Surprise Me" experiment started. Well, you'd be wrong. All my life, I've been afraid - of being misunderstood, of doing things the wrong way, of disappointing anyone in authority. I hesitated to write, thinking that it would come across sounding "wrong" somehow. Thinking that everybody else's blogs were better - I've really enjoyed reading them and seeing the way God's been surprising us all. I won't even go into what other fears have been going through my head about starting this -- it doesn't matter, it's not about me. It's about God -- and what HE wants to do through this whole "Surprise Me" time. As a writer, I love looking at what words mean - or different ways to say the same thing. From the thesarus, I found this -- Surprise: to amaze, astonish, astound, awe, bewilder, blow away, bowl down, bowl over, cause wonder, confound, confuse, consternate, cracky, daze, dazzle, discomfit, disconcert, dismay, dumbfound, electrify, flabbergast, floor, jar, jolt, leave aghast, leave open-mouthed, nonplus, overwhelm, perplex, petrify, rattle, rock, shake up, shock, stagger, startle, strike dumb, stun, stupefy, take aback, unsettle.

So I could pray "Amaze me, God" instead. Or even "Astound me, God." But perhaps what God wants to do, at least on some days, is "Blow me away" or "Rattle me," instead. (Not sure if He'll "cracky" or "stupefy" me, though...don't think I'll pray specifically for those, anyway.) In any case, here we go!

Days 1 till...well, now.

Missed out on the first week of "Surprise Me, God" because I was in Florida babysitting my 21-month-old nephew. At the time, didn't even know I was supposed to be looking for surprises from the Lord, but managed to get a few of them anyway. For one, I got a new name. I'm not "Aunt Beth," as you might think - just "B!" As in, "Gogo, B!" (yelled at red lights while sitting in the car) or "Up, B!" (when hoping to be picked up and held). Connor knew that calling out "B!" would usually end up with him getting what he wanted - although sometimes B had to wait for the light to turn green before she could actually "gogo." Reminded me that when we call out to God, He hears us -- and answers. Holding Connor, I was reminded of how much I love my baby brother -- who is now 6'4" and Connor's dad -- and of how much God loves me, and that He will always answer when I call on His name. His answer might come more slowly than I hoped, or be different from what I thought it might be - but He knows what's next in our lives, even when we don't.

God surprised me with several things that week - a new name, a new appreciation for my own kids (at 8 1/2, thankfully, waaaay past diapers, sippy cups and all that), and the simple fact that I was glad to be coming home at the end of the week. Three years ago, I'd have told you that I'd never think of Abilene as "home" - but it is. I may have spent almost 30 years in one city, 17 hours from here, and that will always be my "hometown" -- but my home is here. My husband and our children are here. My old friends, my old church, the real UT - they're all in Tennessee, but that's not home anymore. I hope I can have the same longing for "home" when I think about eternity in Heaven, and to do His will while I'm here. I don't know exactly what God has planned for me, but over the past couple of years I've figured out that His plans don't include sitting around and wishing for things to be like they were in the past. I can just hear God -- Surprise, I moved you to a new place, even when you cried and wailed and tried your best to stay. Surprise, I made you wait over a year to find a best friend here - but then I gave you a sister of the heart. Surprise, I gave you a new ministry. Surprise...I'm not finished with you yet, not by a long shot. (I'm beginning to realize that God's been surprising me for a long time now -- glad to know He always will.)

Trying to remember to ask God to surprise me each day. Some days this week I feel like I've missed Him somehow, and other days I think He surprised me with some little, kind of insignificant things that still reminded me how much He loves me. Finding a parking spot close to the door on a freezing cold day when I forgot my coat...starting my weekly Bible study homework waaaay too late but getting it all finished AND seeing what He wanted me to learn from it...I've already written too much for one entry so won't go on. Appreciate Jerris and Joe for bringing the "Surprise Me" experiment to us...thanks, guys. (And John, thanks to you too...know those two wouldn't get much done without you there.) Can't wait to see what God has in store for tomorrow...and the next day, and the next. As baby Connor might say, "Gogo, God" -- let the adventure continue.